Sweeten

Trying on his coat and tails for the Nobel Prize ceremony

A few weeks ago my lovely husband, Ivan, got a phone call from the Nobel Laureate, Saul Perlmutter. Except when Ivan knew him 15 years ago, Dr. Perlmutter was not a Nobel Laureate, he was just Saul... a professor that Ivan worked with at the Lawrence Berkeley National Laboratory (aka, the Berkeley Labs).  As an undergraduate with some wicked Fortran programming skills, Ivan worked with Saul, writing software that would eventually be built upon to assist in discovering the speed in which our universe is expanding. Ivan worked on this project for many years, as a lone engineer amongst academics until the private sector called with more room for advancement and financial rewards.

A wonderful thing happened this past October. The project that Ivan worked on, The Supernovae Cosmology Project, won the Nobel Prize in Physics for Dr. Perlmutter... and thus the phone call to Ivan, with an invitation to attend the ceremony in Stockholm to recognize and thank him for his contribution.

This incredible, loving husband, father, brother, son and friend will be crossing the ocean today to be recognized for his work in discovering the expansiveness of the universe. We will miss him as he will be away from us for a week, but there are not enough words to describe our pride in him.

We love you, Ivan. You are amazing, you are cherished and we are proud to be yours.

Congratulations, My Love.

A Tale of Wildwood and Anansi...

Once upon a time there were two little boys, Matteo and Nico. Oh, how they loved to pretend to be warriors, vikings and knights! Using sticks, they'd duel each other...swinging and poking, slashing and screaming, their poor mother was at her wits end! What power these little boys had! What energy! Then something magical and wondrous happened... she met Master Alejandro.

Master Alejandro is part wizard and part craftsman. Quite learned about the ways of knights and warriors, he created special swords for the two boys. The little boy Nico, chose the sword which carried the image of a spider, bearing the gift of cleverness and cunning to the one who holds it. He christianed his sword, Anansi. The other sword held an image of a tree, bestowing the one who wields it a mastery of the Forest and Trees. The older brother Matteo, chose the name Wildwood.

The boys were in awe of such wondrous blades! Made of leather, the swords had the ability to strike down evil while still protecting the boys from harm. The boys mother taught them the responsibility of having such swords...

Respect Anansi and Wildwood and the power that they hold
Never let the blades fly in anger
Use them to protect that which you love and honor
and lastly...

Do not use them on your brothers!

The boys were so very happy, swinging and jousting these beautiful swords. They wanted to know more about Master Alejandro. Their mother told them of how Master Alejandro was from a land of many lakes and that he had travelled to a far, far country to learn the art of making leather swords, shields and masks. She told them of the care and love that went into creating these magical swords... and of the great responsiblity that came with bearing such great power.

The boys gave heed to their mothers petition for care with their new blades. They roamed the countryside, looking for dragons, monsters and furies... protecting the world around them and those that they loved... as all wonderful little boys do.

Sending much gratitude and love to Alejandro Ortega, aka "Master Alejandro"! An artisan skilled in creating the punchinello masks from the Italian art form of Commedia d’el Arte, he has taken this talent of working with leather and applied it to the making of swords, daggers, shields and even the occasional adorable elephant :). These beautiful, heirloom quality items can be found in his Etsy shop, Made By Alejandro

Goodbye Summer

We had fun helping Lolo in his garden

Riding our bikes in new places

while stopping every once in awhile to look at bugs

We loved going on carnival rides for the first time!

and eating watermelon

Picking apples at Nonnieys...

...To make into apple pie together

The cows at the Little Farm always looked happy to see us

but sometimes it was nice to just spend lazy afternoons on the couch with the newest member of our family, Hanuman

But our FAVORITE part of summer was having daddy home with us to eat ice cream together!

Happy Early Birthday, Daddy! We love you!

(No more travelling 10,000 miles for work, OK?)

Love, Matteo, Nico and Luca Bean

The Journey

A funny thing happened a few months ago while I was standing in line to pick up the boys race packets for a kids fun run. I decided to run as well, but not the kids fun run... the half marathon. Which would be the next day. Which I hadn't trained for. At All. There was something about the energy at the race expo that seemed to slap me out the funk I had fallen into. I wanted to be one of the warriors who would hit the road for 13.1 miles. I had just gotten on the scale a few days prior and saw that I had reached my highest weight ever, even when pregnant... 200lbs*.

I decided that I may be a fat chick, but I am a fat chick that would run a half marathon.

I won't bore you with too many race details. I will say that I finished, though I was basically in tears and stumbling at mile 11, so very sick of EVERY song on my iPod. The amazing, cheering spectators gave me boosts of energy when I thought I couldn't go on. I crossed the finish line in a blazing 3 hours 14 minutes (speedwalkers were passing me at that point) but I felt like I had opened a door that had long been shut.

So that's where I've been the past few months... running.

My day now starts at 5:30AM. While the rest of the house sleeps, I sneak downstairs, put on my running clothes, quietly slip on my shoes and head out the door. For at least an hour, the early morning world is mine. The streets are mostly empty, I get to listen to MY music (which occasionally has a few swear words) and I am moving and thinking and sorting out things in my head. It is absolute bliss. And when I get home, sweaty and feeling like my cup has been filled... I see my lovely sleepy boys on the couch waiting for me.... and I am ready to pour my cup into theirs for the rest of the day.

It was just 6 years ago that I left my job, became a wife and a stay at home mother. They've been amazing and wonderful years, but I know that I got lost somewhere along the way when it came to caring for and nurturing myself. 6 pregnancies and 3 beautiful boys in 6 years had taken a toll. I wasn't just overweight, I was technically obese. I was suffering from my old nemesis, depression. Food was my go-to for comfort and relief from stress. A visit to an incredible psychiatrist and the tools of antidepressants helped me conquer the demons that I was struggling with. Weight Watchers showed me the way to healthier eating... and my runs, my blessed morning runs gave me back to myself.

I ran another half marathon a month ago, almost an hour faster than the one that started this journey. I've lost 35 lbs, with more to go. But most importantly, I am finally very, very happy in my own skin.

I have to be honest and say that I don't know where that leaves blogging in my life. I love the friends I have made (meaning YOU if you've read this far), though I feel awful that I haven't been able to peruse blogs as I used to. I started this blog to document my journey as a mother and my familys adventures. I'd like to keep doing that, though it will probably be with less frequency. I roll my eyes as I write this, as I realize that my header is still a chunk of ice from March ;}.

Thank you for joining me on this journey. I've loved sharing it with you and I hope that we'll continue on it together.

Much Love and Gratitude,
Marina

* how's that for facing your demons... actually sharing a NUMBER??!! Just goes to show how much I love you guys :)

... Now :)

Spring Rain

The storm came up so very quick
It couldn't have been quicker.
I should have brought my hat along,
I should have brought my slicker.

My hair is wet, my feet are wet,
I couldn't be much wetter.
I fell into a river once
But this is even better.

-Spring Rain by Marchette Chute

It was raining today and oh, how I loved it so! The air felt so fresh to breathe in and all around us it felt like the earth had been given a gentle cleansing. On our street a small lake forms near our home and the boys enjoy a bit of puddle jumping

Neighbors smiled as they walked past these crazy little boys who were finding so much joy in the water


Luca Bean had fun with his brother's discarded boot

Nico took a moment to reflect ;}

These moments, so fleeting... of my boys being just little boys... finding such happiness in something so simple as a big puddle. I don't think my heart could feel any fuller.

Wishing you many moments of such joy!

Simple Play

Maybe it's because we're just getting off of a long period of rainy days spent indoors, but I've been feeling overwhelmed by all the toys, art stuff and general kid clutter that has been taking over our house. I came to the realization that we really do have too much stuff! From the simple things like constantly having to step over toys that always seem to find their way to the floor to never being able to find one of three (!!) pairs of kid scissors because they are buried under piles of papers and crayons... I just really felt like our enough was too much, so I've started the process of letting go.

The hardest things to let go of have been the toys. The beautiful, Waldorf wooden toys. When the toy safety issues and recalls made headlines years ago, I became much more mindful of the kinds of toys I wanted my boys to play with. It was at that time that I learned about Waldorf education and wanted to surround my children with these breathtakingly beautiful pieces of art that were Waldorf toys. I wanted the toys that they touch to be natural and warm. But sometimes too much of a good thing, can still be too much. I've come to realize that having these playthings, as nice as they are, do not make a Waldorf family. It's about my sons and letting them be who they are. It's about Ivan and I supporting them, stepping back probably more than we're used to... and it's about giving them an environment where their imaginations can run free.

My dear friend Christine Schreier is an artisan who makes beautiful Waldorf dolls. She once told me a story about being at a Waldorf School Faire and having a mother approach her at her booth. It appeared that the woman was having a difficult time choosing a doll for her daughter. After asking her questions about the child's favorite colors and preferences, Christine learned that the child already had 10 dolls! So proving herself to be the worst salesperson ever (but probably wisest adviser), Christine gently explained to the woman that to her daughter, those 10 dolls were 10 children for her to care for, FAR too many for anyone to handle! The woman was visibly relieved to not have the burden to choose one... but came back later to buy one for herself! I think too often as parents, we buy for our children what we want for ourselves. I know that I have been very guilty of that and that while my sons have enjoyed the pretty toys to some extent, having so many of them have made them each less special.

Luca and his baby

So I've spent the past week gathering up the toys that I thought all good Waldorf families have... wooden blocks of all kinds, doll furniture, European games and I've sold them. It was hard at first, I kept thinking "what if the boys miss them!" or ridiculously "are they going to miss out on learning something if we don't have it?!"... it should come as no surprise that neither of those things has happened. Instead, our savings account is much healthier from the recent infusion of cash and more importantly, it feels like we can finally breathe in our space. The boys have rediscovered toys that have been invisible through the abundance of too much. Admittedly, there are toys that I love too much to let go of, but at least I recognize that they are for me. Getting rid of the toys has been healthy. I'm learning to become less attached to these things. For a long time, they had represented a lifestyle that I had wanted for my family, but I realize now that they were getting in the way of it.

In the book, Simplicity Parenting, author Kim John Payne writes :

By simplifying, you've taken steps to curb the excess that threatens childhood's natural rhythms and growth, By starting at home- embracing experience over things, and "enough" rather than always more- you've made room. You've cleared out space, literally and emotionally. You've made a container for relationship and the slow unfolding of childhood. you've allowed room for your child's own imagination and play.

I found this to be so true in our experience. It was a long and hard process to go through it all, sort it out and rearrange, but we felt rewarded in the evening when the boys (who had spent the entire weekend bickering and fighting) playing happily and cooperatively in their playstands.

"Pretend you're the pirate on the top bunk, I'll be the one on the bottom"
"Pretend this is our home, I'll be the daddy, Luca can be the baby"
...with many giggles ensuing

It was all joyful music to our ears and it felt like we made the steps closer to what we want for our happy home.

Holiday Wrapping {Up}

ahhh... the end of a very big year of change.

I look back on the year and I just feel like there was so much movement. It was so very nice to have the holidays to ground us with tradition and also time with each other as a family.

St Nicholas Day

We had our first Christmas at home with just the boys and Ivan and I and it was nice to start making our own traditions.

The boys wearing their Christmas PJ's

There were joyful times with visits from extended family and day trips to celebrate with my parents.

Nico and his beloved Lola

I realized during this time how rich I am with so many amazing people in my life that bless me with their friendships. During the break from our normal routine, it was wonderful to share in the holiday spirit with them

Making cookies at my friend Jenny's beautiful, warm home


...with her adorable son close-by to assist :)


A wonderful morning of playdate mayhem at our house with almost a dozen kids running around, but SO worth it to have these yummy little ones to sit on my lap and their mamas to visit with!
Thank you Nicola, Liz and Robin!

Santa and the Birthday Fairy were quite generous this year and I received a pretty red ring... a Canon L series lens


Which I was able to take into San Francisco (all by myself!) for the day to practice new techniques I've been working on

panning the camera to keep an object in motion in focus

shooting in manual mode to learn how to create the silky waterfall effect


and time to play in Union Square

It was a lovely holiday season and a wonderful way to wrap up a busy year.
I'm wishing you, my friends, a magical year full of love and joy!

Happy Birthday Nico!

You have your own very special way of looking at the world, my crazy, wonderfully exuberant little boy! I so am blessed that you share that view with me!
Thank you for filling my heart with so much joy and love. Your smile brightens my world and your laughter is the music that fills my soul.

Happy 4th Birthday, my beloved Nico Lico Lay Lo!

At This Moment

My precious Nico sleeps
tired by the day
he finds his favorite spot on the couch
pulls his favorite blanket up

and lets his busy little three year old hands be at rest

I love you, Nico Boy


Thank you all so much for your encouraging, supportive words about my last post. I'm still finding my way, but as Joy had reminded me through her own experience... I do still want to use this space to document my family's moments. Today such a moment sweetly presented itself...

The Boys at Summer's End

Little boys dance through the sprinklers

Howl with delight

While the littlest one smiles and crawls into the fray

Hope You're Enjoying The Last Days of Summer!

Mother's Milk

Photo courtesy of Mel Orr of Haddy2Dogs

I've always taken breastfeeding for granted. I live in a part of the country where it's actually harder (in a social sense) NOT to breastfeed. I've heard many stories from mothers, who for medical reasons could not breastfeed, who had been approached by the Nursing Nazis in public, who just had to let them know- quite smugly- that "Breast is Best" (um, thanks, I think they already knew that).

Breastfeeding for me has always been matter of fact. It's simply what one does. I'd never been very sentimental about it or felt the spiritual experience many have had. I fed Matteo and Nico until the time was right for them to move on. No tears on either side. End of story. This all changed this past week when what I took for granted was no longer available.

I didn't write about this before because quite frankly I was tired of my own drama and didn't want to submit you lovely people to more of it. But after I had posted about the miscarriage last week, through follow up blood work and an ultrasound, I found out that I wasn't miscarrying, but rather had an ectopic pregnancy. Joy, right? So I had to take a trip to the emergency room for a lovely dose of methatrexate to terminate the pregnancy. I could deal with that for I had long given up hope for a viable pregnancy, but what I wasn't prepared for was the inability to nurse my precious Luca Bean for 4 days following as the drug worked through my system.

Up until then, my happy-go-lucky Bean was The.Easiest.Baby.Ever. Now my Littlest Love was absolutely beside himself, pulling at my shirt, banging his head against my chest in rage. He never had to take a bottle before,he didn't know what this fake milk/formula was... my poor little guy was just going mental not knowing why he wasn't getting his booby. For me, I was incredibly stressed trying to make sure the Bean would eat something. I spent a small fortune on organic blueberries and peaches knowing those were foods he loved. I wasn't sad, I was just plain angry (though I still don't know at whom) while I pumped and dumped at least 4 times a day trying to keep my supply intact, while attempting to explain to my 4 and almost 3 year olds that playing with the pump controls while Mommy was pumping wasn't really conducive to Mommy "letting down".

Last night I finally was able to nurse my precious, precious little Luca. He woke in the middle of the night and I was able to do what I had been doing thousands of times before, simply lift my shirt and offer my breast to him. My hands were free of a bottle and I could stroke his little warm head while the light of the almost full moon was on his peaceful, lovely face. I finally understood the spiritual connection one has while breastfeeding a baby. I discovered a bliss and happiness that was always there, but had taken for granted far too easily.

Never again.

Happy Birthday, My Matteo Fantastico!

Happy 4th Birthday, my dearest Matteo Fantastico!

Your sweet and gentle nature inspires me to be the best mom I can be...
you deserve nothing less

Your beautiful spirit touches us all.

Thank you for choosing us to be your family, for we are blessed


I love you,

Mama

Waiting

My sister in law summed up these past few weeks pretty perfectly for us:

"nothing like a roller coaster ride you didn't know you were in line for"

umm, exactly

My hCG levels went up and though they didn't double, it still gives us some hope for this pregnancy. We had been expecting the worst and now, well... we just are trying not to expect anything. I'm finding it a hard line to walk... I want to talk to the little baby inside of me, give it encouragement and love, let it know that we'd be so excited to have it join us, but I'm also afraid to get too close, to become too attached to a dream that could be short lived.

I have an ultrasound later this week as the next step. Tomorrow is Matteo's birthday and then we have to get ready for his big party on Sunday, so there are a lot of really joyful things to keep us occupied.

So for now, we're just waiting...

I really wanted to thank everyone again for all of the love and support. The comments and emails I've received have given me so much comfort. I feel so incredibly blessed to have such a wonderful community of friends. Thanks so much for holding my hand during this ride.

Sensing my sadness the past week, Matteo put together this bowl of flower petals and leaves for me. He offered it to me last night and simply said "this is to heal your heart". I told him that at that moment, my heart was feeling pretty full.

All my love and gratitude,
Marina

Sadness and Gratitude

Last week we received a surprise in the form of a dollar store pregnancy test with 2 lines (yes, that means positive... I suppose the inexpensive tests don't actually spring for positive and negative signs). I honestly felt like I had been smacked on the side of the head with a shovel. We weren't trying, we hadn't even seriously entertained the idea of a fourth child... but there it was. I have to admit to feeling ambivalence about it. There are so many times I feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water with three, I didn't know how I was going to manage four kids under the age of 5. But then, joy, hope and confidence took over... Ivan and I convinced ourselves that we could do this with nothing but love and gratitude for how richly the universe was gifting us with another life to join our already full, happy one.

Over the weekend, I had felt some sharp cramps and had some spotting so I called my obgyn's office on Monday. Always so responsive, they slipped me in right away. There was nothing to see on the ultrasound, but it was assumed that it was still too early (about 4-5 weeks pregnant). I had a series of hCG tests this week to see the progress of the pregnancy and I got the news this afternoon that it doesn't look very good (the hCG numbers aren't doubling as expected). I'll have another one on Monday, but the signs are pointing to another miscarriage.

So I sit here heartbroken, weeping for the child that I didn't know that I wanted, scared to be hopeful that perhaps this will work out despite the lab tests. With my three wonderful, amazing, sweet, loving boys I really can't take the time to ponder that which is out of my control. So I thank you, dear, dear friends for letting me mourn here.

I don't want to end this sadly because after the last miscarriage, what had healed my heart were the boys that I could hold in my arms. Perhaps there is another Spirit Baby waiting to join the craziness that is the Small Tribe someday... maybe hope against hope, this will turn out to be a viable pregnancy...

... But for now it is these beautiful boys that bring me love and joy...
for that I am grateful and comforted.