Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Tea and Tart

So the ride is over, my friends. I miscarried on Sunday afternoon. I'm doing OK, sad that my dream of having another precious child is put away for now, but relieved to no longer be living in limbo.

I'm trying to figure out why the universe pitched us this curveball. I'm asking myself what lesson can I take away from this (because there's a reason for everything, right?). Ivan and I now realize how much room there is in our hearts, homes and lives for another baby and that maybe we'll be blessed with one later. But I think more importantly for me, I'm learning to understand and accept shortcomings from others. What was the hardest thing to deal with was the silence and lack of support from where I thought it would or should be- leaving someone a message in tears and not getting a call back, being quoted Doris Day ("Que Sera, Sera")... it left me feeling alone and empty. The epiphany I had today was that I vowed that I was going to raise my boys to be different. To be the kind of people who openly and generously show their love and support for those they care for. Even if it's just to say "I don't know what to say, but I care and am here for you". My lofty ambition is not to have my boys become captains of industry, but rather simply to be caring individuals with emotional intelligence. I know it starts with me and so I'm working on letting go of the anger and focusing on my beautiful, magical boys.


I wanted to thank you, my wonderful community of friends near and far for being with me during this time. You are what helped me get through the tougher moments. Up until recently, it was always easier to just post pictures of pretty toys and write about the lovelier things... I now know that at times it's OK to be honest and share what's in my heart. I'm serving up some tea and apple tart for whenever you want to drop by, curl up your feet and visit.

You are dear and special friends.

Love and Gratitude,
Marina

25 comments:

hillary said...

oh sweet friend. you have me in tears here. i know your pain all too well. i lost a baby in may. and your words...your heart inspired me and helped carry me through that time. i frequented your post with the jizo and now have a little purple one in front of my kitchen sink.
sending you great love. please let me know how i can return the favor and support you.

blessings,
hillary

Grace said...

So sorry.
But so wonderful that you can see a way to teach your children about being kind and understanding - that really is a gift.

gardenmama said...

Dear sweet Marina,
My deepest sympathies for your loss, I am thankful you are not in limbo anymore with this very difficult and emotional time in your life. Your descriptions of what others said, or did not say to you left me in tears. I just do not get it... I had a really hard time getting pregnant with my first babe and experienced much grief and a feeling of emptiness during the long period of wait, there were also many relatives who did not take these very real feelings into account and it left me feeling alone in my and my husbands journey. I am so thankful that you found support and love through your friends in this space, it truly feels like 'instant community' Many blessings to you Marina, you have been in my thoughts and prayers and will continue to be.

cat said...

oh sweetheart....i just emailed you. i'm so very very sorry...

Lisa said...

Ohhhh, Marina. I too know your pain, the same happened to me 9 years ago and I still mourn the loss. I can't believe the "Que Sera" comment, how painful. Keep drinking that tea, put your feet up and enjoy those magical boys and take your time to mourn.

Lisa

Jen said...

Oh Marina, I'm so sorry for your loss. But your words are so inspiring. Your boys will definitely have big, open hearts. xoxo,jen

TheSingingBird said...

Bless you sweetie, I hope only loving support will come to you now and always.

Kelly said...

Dear Marina,
I send you warm hugs, with tears in my eyes. My hope and my thoughts have hovered near you for days but I haven't known how to respond. You gently reminded me what it takes to be the kind of friend and mother and example for my own sons that you are for your three. I am enriched by your emotional honesty and generosity, and I feel blessed to have crossed your warm and lovely path. Please let me know if I can help you in any way. Blessings to you and Ivan and all of your precious children...

Stacy said...

**hugs**

renee ~ heirloom seasons said...

Dear Marina, I'm sure your boys will be kind, loving, giving, and caring. Aren't they already?
Wishing you much peace.
Love Renee

nicola said...

always, always share, marina. it is what makes you real and we like you that way!
sunday afternoon? i hope you weren't simultaneously torn between this baby's loss and matteo's celebration.
what powerful and important (and painful) lessons you learned.
i do think sometimes people think they are being helpful, when in fact they are not, even if they are saying something THEY might think is helpful. it is hard to know, but your line "i don't know what to say, but i care and i am here for you" is SUCH a good one and a reminder for me! thank you.
huge hugs and i am truly sorry for your loss, my friend.
nicola
http://whichname.blogspot.com

Frontier Dreams (Nicole) said...

Oh Marina!!!!!I wish I wasn't in the middle of this insane move or that I could just stop this madness and just drive over to you!
I wish I had something wonderful to say but my travel logged brain just can't think right now, I'm sorry. Please just know how wonderful of a soul you are and how much you and all your tribe are in my thoughts and prayers. <3 <3

fuoriborgo.com said...

I'm really so sorry, Marina. Yes, it's good that we can share tea & tart, and sometimes even tears. Hugs to you from all the way over here. Francesca.

onehookwonder said...

I'm so very sorry. Please know that if I were there in person I would give you a hug, make you some tea, and just hold your hand. Since I can't do any of that over the net, just know that I'm thinking of you and mourning with you and your family.

onasilentsea said...

a thousand hugs

Lisa said...

Marina, I am teary-eyed. Your post is lovely. My heart is hugging yours! I am inspired by your strength and wisdom.

warm thoughts and hugs
Lisa

Marina said...

It's my turn to be teary eyed and a little weepy from all of your wonderful words and comments. I truly feel supported and loved.

Thank you wonderful friends

Love Always, Marina

lyneya said...

:( I'm so sorry...I don't have anything useful to say. Just that you're in my thoughts!

mamauk said...

Marina, I know I don't know you very well at the moment, but I just wanted to say I am so sorry.
XXX

Mamabear said...

So sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts.

jumbleberryjam said...

Thank you for letting us know. I'm so very, very sorry, sweet friend. Your hearts are indeed, large (as my family was lucky to experience first- hand). And the way you fill the hearts of your boys is such an inspiration to me. May they be a comfort to you when those around you are not. All our love to you. xoxo

waldorfmama said...

marina - i am so very sorry for your loss. i have not visited your blog in a while and suddenly was inspired to do so...and then read your words here. with tears and hugs from afar, you are in my thoughts!

Annie said...

I am so so sorry for your loss. I was really hoping and praying that things would be okay (((hugs)))

I know that after my miscarriages people said some really strange things. I think a lot of people are afraid to really think about this kind of loss so it is easier to ignore it or brush it off. Maybe it is just too sad for them to seriously confront what it is? I don't know, but I also hope that our children will be the kind of people you describe who openly show their love and support to others. I know that I've sort of felt "called" to talk about my miscarriages more openly so it is not such a taboo topic and people can learn how to support others who are going through this. I agree that it is enough to say that they don't know what to say but they are there for you. Sometimes that is just all there is to say.

Anyway, you and your family are in my thoughts.

Jenne said...

Oh, Marina! I'm so very sorry for your loss. I understand personally how painful it is to miscarry but the pain goes so much deeper when others won't recognize or allow you that pain. It's important to feel, to grieve. Please know we're here for you. Your words are very wise and your boys are so lucky to have you as their mom. Much love to you and yours.

Tahara said...

Marina, my dear friend, I am so sorry about the loss of your little one...I am just getting to read this, and have been thinking of you so much lately...Your attitude and spirit throughout this whole ordeal has been really inspiring...