A new month always brings about fresh energy for me.... and August is no exception, for it's signaling a new time of hope.
Last month I had another surprise pregnancy and a not so surprising miscarriage. It's hard to know what to say about it all. I was blessed to see the smallest of heartbeats and then a day later, it passed. I felt knocked to the ground and I didn't know how to get up. It just didn't seem fair after all the drama with the ectopic pregnancy last year... I know that there's a reason for all of this, I just don't know what it is.
I've been spending my days running. I disappear for hours on the trails, by the water, on the streets trying to process it all, but the hurt, sadness and confusion that I am running from are never completely gone. Before the pregnancy, I honestly thought I could say that I was done having children, but then that heartbeat changed it all. At dinner one night, my lovely 3 year old Nico pointed to the 6th chair at the table and asked whose seat that was and I didn't know what to say.
I'm feeling ready to move on now. I have my three beautiful boys and a loving husband who fill me with such joy, I feel shameful for wallowing in sadness. Things have fallen off kilter in our home and I want to get back on the journey that I had envisioned for our family. My wonderful husband has had his challenges with his work and gratefully in a week, he'll be starting a new job.
So this week, this new month is a time of renewal. With Ivan home, we are setting the groundwork to get back where we want to be- as fully mindful parents. My family is so precious to me, I can't keep dwelling on the half empty glass... for it's not even half empty... it's filled with love.
Thanks for allowing me to share this with you. You are all such lovely, dear, treasured friends who assist and support me through so much of this journey of motherhood and I've truly missed you.
All my love,
Marina
Marina
33 comments:
So sorry, Marina. :-( Your family is so beautiful. Blessings to all of you. xo
May this month be a month where you find peace.
No matter how tiny the beginnings of another child, it brings forth powerful feelings of love - and that love burns equally as strong no matter how many children you already have. Grieving is part of the process. Sending warm thoughts for healing.
Many warm wishes, Tonya
Yes, many, many blessings sent to your, Marina.
You'll find the life-lines you need to pull you out of your sadness.
They'll come.
xxoo
I'm so very sorry for your loss, Marina. I'm hugging you and holding you in the light all the way from NC. Lots of love, my friend. BTW, those are just precious photos of your boys.
*HUGS* Thinking of you and your family. Take care and heal well!
I am so sorry, Marina. Your family will be in our prayers.
*hugs* I'm so sorry.
Wishing you love and healing Marina.
I wish you could run all the way to Colorado so we could share more love with you!
Hoping you can find the strength to heal your heart and sending lots of wishes for peace.
Lots of love to you Marina!
xoxo Renee
(Not sure if this really went through, may be sending twice, oops...xo)
Sending you love Marina.
These pictures are beautiful!
Marina, so beautifully put. Wishing, as always, I could ease the hurt. Huge hugs, Nicola
Hugs to you...you will feel better soon. Until then, know you are loved. xoxo
Very sorry to hear about your hardships. I'm glad to hear that you are filling your life with your family and getting back on track. You have wonderful people around you who love you very much. XOXO
I am so sorry for the loss of your precious little one - it doesn't matter at what point we lose our precious babies, it still hurts our souls deeply. I am a mother of 2 beautiful little boys and 5 angels in my heart always, lost early in pregnancy.
I find renewal in the start of a new month as well. A time to sit back and see what has past and how to make the future brighter and better.
Much love from a stranger during this time of sadness.
you know how i feel about you my dearest of soul sisters...
xxoxoxoxo
I'm sorry for your loss.
I hope you find the balance you are looking for!
I'm sorry to hear you had to experience yet another loss :( I definitely remember that off kilter feeling after my miscarriages, and wanting to be content with the wonderful family I already had, yet still longing for the little lives that didn't get to stay. I still feel that way. It eases with time, but I think I'll always carry it with me in some way.
Sending you thoughts of healing and peace (((hugs)))
may warmth and light be with you during these difficult times....hugs
Loosing a pregnancy even an unplanned one is devastating. I'm still dealing with my loss and it's been a while now. Wallowing in sadness for sometime is ok, just be nice to yourself and give yourself time
I'm sending you lots of love and healing thoughts, dear Marina.
M.
I'm so sorry to hear about what you have been experience Dear Marina. Please don't feel that you are "wallowing". This time you are taking to run and process what has happened is all part of the grieving. I see you surrounded by healing light and love!
Blessings to you and your family! I am sending warm big hugs your way!
My dear Marina...My thoughts and prayers are with you...Your photos are lovely and so are all of your boys...Sending you much love and still hoping we can meet in person one day...
Thinking of you, Marina.
Many hugs
Marina, as always your wisdom and beauty really shine through. You know how I feel about what you are going through, but I have to say it again... I am so sorry. I wish I could somehow take it all away for you. I love you and miss you and next week we ARE catching up :)
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
Thinking of you at this difficult time. You are a beautiful person, both inside and out.
xoxo
I'm so sorry for your loss. I def know exactly how you are feeling right now as I lost our baby number 4 at 8 weeks in June. I wrote about it on my blog and it was so calming to just share and bring my feelings into the light. Praying that you will find peace and be able to see the sun.
http://www.corleyz.blogspot.com
I passed a blog award to you, Marina.
http://whichname.blogspot.com/2010/08/inspired-internet-july-2010.html
Nicola
big hugs to you, mama! i can not imagine the waves of emotion you must be riding. may peace fill your soul and your days be bright again. xoxoxo
Marina, the only words that I can say is that I understand, and that my thoughts will be with you. There is nothing that you should be doing but giving yourself the sapce and time to heal in.
i posted about our dollhouse tonight and couldn't help but think of you. ;)
What lovely photos of your sweet family. I hope you take as much time for yourself as you need. You will for sure find a little treasure Im sure. Sending you lots of love and healing thoughts!
:)Lisa
Marina I'm so sorry for your loss. I saved a card that someone gave me when I was grieving many years ago, I hope the words will bring you some bit of solace.
"When tears come, I breathe deeply and rest. I know I am swimming in a hallowed stream where many have gone before. I am not alone, crazy, or having a nervous breakdown.... My heart is at work, my soul is awake."
-Mary Margaret Funk
Peace and healing blessings to you.♥
marina,
i am so sorry for your loss. i am sending you light and contentedness and healing vibes. i am always so inspired by your gentleness.
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