Thursday, August 20, 2009

Sadness and Gratitude

Last week we received a surprise in the form of a dollar store pregnancy test with 2 lines (yes, that means positive... I suppose the inexpensive tests don't actually spring for positive and negative signs). I honestly felt like I had been smacked on the side of the head with a shovel. We weren't trying, we hadn't even seriously entertained the idea of a fourth child... but there it was. I have to admit to feeling ambivalence about it. There are so many times I feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water with three, I didn't know how I was going to manage four kids under the age of 5. But then, joy, hope and confidence took over... Ivan and I convinced ourselves that we could do this with nothing but love and gratitude for how richly the universe was gifting us with another life to join our already full, happy one.

Over the weekend, I had felt some sharp cramps and had some spotting so I called my obgyn's office on Monday. Always so responsive, they slipped me in right away. There was nothing to see on the ultrasound, but it was assumed that it was still too early (about 4-5 weeks pregnant). I had a series of hCG tests this week to see the progress of the pregnancy and I got the news this afternoon that it doesn't look very good (the hCG numbers aren't doubling as expected). I'll have another one on Monday, but the signs are pointing to another miscarriage.

So I sit here heartbroken, weeping for the child that I didn't know that I wanted, scared to be hopeful that perhaps this will work out despite the lab tests. With my three wonderful, amazing, sweet, loving boys I really can't take the time to ponder that which is out of my control. So I thank you, dear, dear friends for letting me mourn here.

I don't want to end this sadly because after the last miscarriage, what had healed my heart were the boys that I could hold in my arms. Perhaps there is another Spirit Baby waiting to join the craziness that is the Small Tribe someday... maybe hope against hope, this will turn out to be a viable pregnancy...

... But for now it is these beautiful boys that bring me love and joy...
for that I am grateful and comforted.

21 comments:

nicola said...

oh, marina, huge hugs.
nicola
http://whichname.blogspot.com

Emma said...

I will be hoping and praying that your little one is okay! Please keep us updated!

Grace said...

Thoughts are with you. I know EXACTLY how you feel, fortunately and unfortunately.

Your boys are beautiful and nothing can take that away.

Rebecca said...

Marina, my heart and thoughts will be with you and hoping for wonderful results from the next beta draw.

I've been where you are too many times.... many hugs to you, Mama.

cat said...

oh sweetheart...i'm so sorry. you and i were together on that last horrible journey of your's before your gorgeous luca...i am so sorry you are possibly going through it again. i am here for you and completely, unconditionally and without expectations, loving you...i hope the tests prove wrong my dear friend...

love you...

gardenmama said...

Dear sweet Marina,
My thoughts and prayers are with you, I hope this sweet baby will bless your life. You are a beautiful mama, the photo of your boys is gorgeous may their love and light bring you through this. Hugs to you during this difficult time...
Love,
Nicole
xoxo

renee ~ heirloom seasons said...

Dear Marina, I do not have have many words at the moment, or maybe too many... I will just send wishes of love and peace and be thinking of you.

Stacy said...

No matter what happens you have three beautiful, healthy boys. You are blessed. xo

Jen said...

Oh Marina, I've got my fingers crossed for you and the rest of the Small (or shall we say Big) Tribe. I'm sending you all lots of love. namaste,jen

Annie said...

sending lots of hugs and thoughts your way. I've had 3 miscarriages so I've been there, it is never easy.

Neptune said...

I am so sorry for you and your family. I have *just* been through the EXACT same thing, and felt just like you are. Sending you peace and strenght.

Andrea said...

I am thinking of you tonight Marina. My boys and I are sending all our love to you and yours.

Marina said...

My dearest friends,

Thank you so much for all of your words of encouragement, support and for all of the hugs. I'm amazed and touched how people I've never met before in real life (except you, Nicola and Andrea who I'm very lucky to know) can provide the support that has carried me through these days.

I've spent most of my time the past few days with the boys, cherishing them, letting them fill me with their light and love. No matter what happens, I have them and I feel so incredibly blessed for that.

Thank you all so much again for your care and concern. I cherish you all

Love,
Marina

calynde said...

I'm so sorry you're going through this mama. :-( hugs

onehookwonder said...

Sending much love and many hugs. I'll be thinking of you and yours.

hillary said...

peace and blessings to you marina.

Tahara said...

Oh Marina...I am late reading this...Many hugs to you...Please keep me updated...You are definitely in my thoughts and prayers...Even though we only know each other online, I feel that you are my friend...

Praying for your peace and happiness

Tahara

TheSingingBird said...

thinking of you and sending prayers today.

onasilentsea said...

many hugs

fuoriborgo.com said...

I'm so sorry, Marina. From the comment you left on my blog I understand that the news is not good. A mother's love comes right from the heart, and is the only kind of love able to multiply: one, three, four children, all have their share of infinite love. I know the heartbreak that comes with losing a pregnancy. I'm glad you have found the support you need in your online community. Hugs.

lyneya said...

Oh, I wish I'd seen this earlier. I'm so sorry you're going though this!