Sadness and Gratitude

Last week we received a surprise in the form of a dollar store pregnancy test with 2 lines (yes, that means positive... I suppose the inexpensive tests don't actually spring for positive and negative signs). I honestly felt like I had been smacked on the side of the head with a shovel. We weren't trying, we hadn't even seriously entertained the idea of a fourth child... but there it was. I have to admit to feeling ambivalence about it. There are so many times I feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water with three, I didn't know how I was going to manage four kids under the age of 5. But then, joy, hope and confidence took over... Ivan and I convinced ourselves that we could do this with nothing but love and gratitude for how richly the universe was gifting us with another life to join our already full, happy one.

Over the weekend, I had felt some sharp cramps and had some spotting so I called my obgyn's office on Monday. Always so responsive, they slipped me in right away. There was nothing to see on the ultrasound, but it was assumed that it was still too early (about 4-5 weeks pregnant). I had a series of hCG tests this week to see the progress of the pregnancy and I got the news this afternoon that it doesn't look very good (the hCG numbers aren't doubling as expected). I'll have another one on Monday, but the signs are pointing to another miscarriage.

So I sit here heartbroken, weeping for the child that I didn't know that I wanted, scared to be hopeful that perhaps this will work out despite the lab tests. With my three wonderful, amazing, sweet, loving boys I really can't take the time to ponder that which is out of my control. So I thank you, dear, dear friends for letting me mourn here.

I don't want to end this sadly because after the last miscarriage, what had healed my heart were the boys that I could hold in my arms. Perhaps there is another Spirit Baby waiting to join the craziness that is the Small Tribe someday... maybe hope against hope, this will turn out to be a viable pregnancy...

... But for now it is these beautiful boys that bring me love and joy...
for that I am grateful and comforted.